I've been seeking inspiration... hoping for an idea that would help me earn money to add adventure and stability to my life and the lives of those in my family. Jason has a great job with lots of respect, seniority, and security, and we've always been very frugal. We have no debt apart from our house payment. However, I tend towards a good deal of restlessness and having been a career woman in the past, I feel pretty frustrated by the tiny amount I contribute to our family finances through my little teaching gig.
I've thought I might try to write for a living, but I really need to take some classes to polish up, and I'd need more time than I currently have available to keep up with the demands of a money-generating blog. Besides, I've always preferred to write toward genuine inspiration and out of a heart to help. Writing to earn money just feels like it might conflict with the sincerity behind the words. I prefer to teach... to add value to the lives of others through genuine contact with solid and useful information. If I could teach through my writing, well, that would be an interesting endeavor.
I've had a lot of challenges to my stubborn way of thinking lately. I'm finding myself frustrated by the realization that I've spent a lot of time defining myself by pointing out to the world all the things I'm not, but not living in the reality of the things that I am... the values and passions my life reflects. That might be because I'm still really figuring those things out.
I'm a product of some major family enmeshment. I'm still struggling to find out what my real feelings and desires are... who I'm meant to be. I think that changes as we travel through life, but I need some core stability that I simply don't seem to have.
I've spent a lot of time throwing around phrases like, "I'm not a yoga girl."... "I'm not all that into shopping."... "I'm not a selfie girl."... "I'm not a salesperson or spokesperson."..."I'm not into pop culture or princesses or Barbies or Disney or slang..." and so on and so forth. But who am I? To say that I'm experiencing an identity crisis right now would be a serious understatement.
Who am I?
Lately I've been asking myself that question more and more often, just trying to connect with the little girl who spent a lot of time alone with books and a journal... the girl who always felt weird and not quite good enough to fit... the girl who didn't feel valuable enough to excite love or admiration in others.
I'm trying to find the girl that used to pretend to play the piano at the living room window sill... the baby that tried to sing along with the radio... the little girl who won a school-wide creative writing and art contest in elementary school with an essay on and landscape of New Zealand... the "shrimp" with the blonde braid who beat all the boys every year in the running contests on field day... the girl who sat wide-eyed staring out the car window just waiting to enter the pine belt on I-45 on our yearly trip to see Uncle Billy, Aunt Cheryl, and Debbie in Spring, Texas... the girl in love with tall trees and bright flowers... the mysterious moon and distant stars.
Confusion comes when we try to be and do it all to gain some acceptance that might never come. And sometimes we have to be open to things we thought we weren't to find the person we truly are... because other people... people meant to inspire, guide, and love us actually occupy those spaces that we're reluctant to go to. Relationships we're meant to give to and receive from are in those overlapping places.
I know what the Bible says I am, but how do I live that practically? How do I allow myself the permission to be the person God made?
Wise counsel has come from some pretty odd places lately. Some people in my life have really surprised me. I sat down with a friend the other day and personally thanked her for being so open about her struggles so that I could feel the freedom to do some things I've needed to do for myself and for my loved ones for a long time. And it's all got me thinking that, to reach some goals and to make some things happen, I really need to branch out.
Because sometimes you have to take medicine to deal with life. Sometimes resistance takes more energy than just trying something new for the first time to see if you'll benefit (yoga... ahem). Sometimes the people that aren't exactly like you have some wisdom for areas in your life that you just didn't see coming.
Here's hoping the New Year brings some new opportunities for all of us to grow, exceed ourselves, and make some big dreams and ideas a reality!
