This gray weather puts me in a pensive mood. For some reason, in that place, I often need to look back and ruminate on His faithfulness in my past. The mist shrouds the future in such a way that it creates a hint of anxiety in my heart. This reminiscing almost always grounds me when I'm in want of the sun and can't have him. Hopefully it will be an encouragement to you too. I don't share much from this blog. It's a more personal space where I let myself be more authentically me on the page. But I think I can bring this one to the light.

A Feast of Days

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The Grace in Love

March 19, 2015

Have you ever been a girl without a country, tearing yourself apart trying to do the very best you could to survive and serve, only to receive rebuke for not doing more? I’m willing to bet that, if you’ve been a Christian for very long, you’ve probably been there.

Once upon a time, I wasn’t spending enough time socializing with a particular group. I had turned down one too many invitations to stay home and read or watch a movie on the love seat with my sweet hubby. The Bible became a weapon. I remember specifically how deftly 1 Corinthians 12:27 and Romans 12:5 were wielded against me.  In someone's opinion, I wasn't serving the body. I was teaching school, had a killer commute, was helping with children's church, was leading children's choir and singing in the choir. However, I had unintentionally managed to hurt my extroverted friend with my introverted self.

Who knows why God gave some folks an intense craving for society, and some the desire to occasionally avoid it. When studying the nature of Christ, it seems to me that he was rather introverted. That’s not to say that introversion is the better thing. It’s always seemed like a real curse to me. Christ’s introversion was likely not the self-centered brand. I’ll be the first to admit that extra time to think is not always a good thing. All I’m getting at is this. As the story unfolds in the Gospels, he certainly seemed to need a retreat here and there to recharge. It was a part of his humanness. Can it be concluded then that introversion is not necessarily an inherent evil?

If we are one body with many parts, the parts will not be the same. We are wrong if we presume that everyone must serve as we do. I’ve been guilty of the same presumption. Some of us serve by throwing parties. Some of us serve by asking a single friend in crisis to have coffee at our kitchen table. Some of us have a ministry to school children and others to a corporate office.

Here’s the crux though. The rebuke was heard and taken to heart. It wasn’t tested and weighed. The arrow hit its target and the pain was acute. It played right into a conviction I’ve had from childhood that my need to regroup and process away from others was a very selfish need indeed. I believed that her particular admonishment came out of a loving place when, in truth, it came straight out of the darkness. 

A whole host of accusations have settled into this porous heart.

Coming to grips with your own identity and significance in Christ sometimes feels like a never-ending wrestling match. When you feel odd, shy, perpetually overwhelmed, unlovable, unlikable, too intense, un-fun, irredeemable, ridiculous… do you ever feel that, in those times, you’re the most lovable to God?  I'm not exactly there yet, but when my children face a tough situation…when they struggle and fail… oh how I love them! I want to hold them in those times more than in any other. I want to take their pain.

It took a few months, but I finally realized, through my husband's wisdom and my heavenly father's love, my friend's accusation was unfounded. However, in my soul searching after that event, I began to sense that my service in that time and place was not fully authentic. I was giving out of a sense of duty, maybe a place of pride, and possibly an unconscious cultural requirement. Even though my service at church was not called into question, something was definitely lacking there.

We were both wrong.

A grace inherently exists in our created selves, in our humanity, simply because he created it. Love is there. We are fallen, but we are still his chosen image-bearers. Maybe our preferred mode of expression really is okay when it’s genuinely offered in service to him and his people. When we ask for love, we receive it, but not to keep. But if we continually grapple with how we’re going to express it, if we question his creativity in us, if we allow others to question or judge it in error, it gets stuck. It hardens in the porous places and turns our hearts to unyielding stone. 

I am asking God these days to help me examine my motives and to put more of his love in my heart. Instead, these little reassurances of his love for me show up in the most unexpected places. An encouraging comment from a dear cousin. An unexpected leg-hug from my favorite four-year-old on earth. A silly song sung by my favorite three-year-old on earth. A sunset so breathtaking it brings tears to my eyes. A simple text from a friend. A melody so stunning and fluid that it is immediately imprinted on my soul. Those reassurances reinforce his love in me... his love for me. 

When we feel loved, there's nothing left to prove. It doesn’t matter anymore that I’d rather talk with one person all night long than spend an evening at a party or several weeks planning one. Didn’t he come up with the idea in the first place? He needs a perky party planner as much as he needs a bibliophile with an espresso machine, a tea kettle, a pile of messy journals and listening ears. And when I fail, when I stumble, when I retreat too often, that’s when he aches to hold his girl.

“For we are God’s masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus so we can do the good things he planned for us long ago.” ~Ephesians 2:10

“But Jesus Himself would often slip away to the wilderness and pray.” ~Luke 5:16

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Zucchini Cheese, Sweet Potatoes and other Yuck...

So...

...unless you like your cheese to taste like ZUCCHINI and have the consistency of CAFETERIA JELLO,  just don't do this to yourself. While it's not all that much effort, the simple act of breathing is too much effort when what you get in return is the above described zucchini cheese. Needless to say, I was feeling desperate for a cheese-like substance, so I tried it. Never again. Nutritional yeast is what gives it a "cheese-ish" taste, but actually that's overstating things right on into the next century. Don't forget that we're still really close to the beginning of this century. I cannot stress this enough. Do NOT try the zucchini cheese recipe. I am forcing it down to get the calories and because I would rather eat that {blech} than stand in the kitchen preparing one more thing. The only redeeming quality is the parsley. Parsley tastes like parsley and has the consistency of parsley. And it has a calming effect on your stomach after you've experienced the disgusting-ness that is zucchini cheese.  Let me just say it one more time for effect. DO NOT attempt the zucchini cheese! You're welcome.

I know that I may stand alone here, but from the time I was a little tyke, I have always gagged on sweet potatoes. To me, those little melted marshmallows on top just made things that much worse. How could anyone mess up a melted marshmallow by putting it on top of sweet potatoes? That is a question for the ages. I will likely never get a satisfactory answer. I'm quite sure that many of my taste buds have died, but I still gag on sweet potatoes. I want my white potatoes back. I need to check that re-introduction list because if white potatoes are not early, early in the process, I'm a goner. Plantain chips are pretty good, but potato chips!! French fries!!!! 

One thing I had completely forgotten about AIP... every stinkin' thing tastes like coconut (almost). I actually like the taste and texture of coconut. I used to sneak into the pantry when I was a kid and grab hand fulls of coconut shreds and stuff them in my mouth. Heaven. I'd never had an aversion to it, that is, until my first go at AIP. That's another thing about the zucchini cheese. What cheese have you eaten, ever in your life, that had even a hint of coconut flavor?  Right. None.

All kidding aside (Keep in mind, I'm absolutely NOT kidding about the zucchini cheese.),  I feel better, the foot pain is slowly subsiding and I've got WAY more energy on less caffeine. My kitchen floor actually got mopped last night (Don't ask me when that happened last.).

I did slip up and have a gluten-free chocolate cookie with mint-chocolate icing melted all over the top of it at Happy Creek Coffee Sunday night. Jason was my partner in crime, and he did help me eat it. So, thankfully, I did not consume the cookie in its entirety. Then, with that memory of minty chocolate in my mouth, I sneaked some of Melanie's York Peppermint Patty minis out of the pantry. When I say some, I mean at least twenty. Can I just say, it was so worth it! I'm now back into plateau mode on the scale, and I had a couple days worth of... oh nevermind.  But man oh man... mint and chocolate. Those cookies are out of this world. Don't go to Happy Creek unless you have way more self control than this gal.

I realize I'm supposed to be supporting you on your dietary path to health and wellness. And hopefully I have. This is definitely a worthy journey, but if you become overly anxious about what's going into your body, or if you over do the exercise, you can eat all the right things and experience set backs. These AIP books are full of good ideas, and they're full of quite a few suggestions that I just can't get behind. And I'm learning that it's okay. The occasional dietary slip is not the end of the world. For someone like me, gluten can set me back for six months to a year, but all the other stuff is a hiccup. There's grace for all of it. So if you get a cheese craving, and you can't fight it, just eat some cheese and realize that there will be consequences, but they will be much less intense than the realization that you have half a container of zucchini "cheese" sitting in the fridge that you feel obligated to consume. I hope that puts it all into the right perspective. 

AIP Update

Waking up to Day 10 on strict AIP...

• Left leg swelling is completely gone.
• Left hip is no longer giving me fits.
• Lower back pain is gone.
• Energy levels are up.
• Brain fog is lifting, however still present.
• Lower dependence on allergy meds. to make it through the day. I've taken it three times this week as opposed to every single day. I didn't really need it, but I took it this morning and will take it again tomorrow morning as a precautionary measure. Monday morning I will try to go without it again. FYI: I do recall in times past on this diet, my allergy symptoms were slim to none all the time I was fully on. When I would sneak a bite of ice cream, or some chips and salsa, BAM. Post nasal drip, itchy skin and headaches.   
• Five lbs. gone.
• Left heel/foot is still tender (so intense exercise is still out), but much, much better

Weight is at the bottom end of the list because it's not the biggest reason to do this. But it is one thing that really keeps me motivated. When you see the pounds start to drop, it's easier to stick with it.

One thing occurred to me since I posted last week. In talking with, writing and sending recipes to  some of you concerning questions about this diet/lifestyle change, I didn't give information on some of the things that have eased this transition for me in the past and have made this go 'round the easiest yet.

This book, The Autoimmune Wellness Handbook, gives you a guide to either go cold-turkey or ease into AIP. For folks that are doing this for the first time or are just in a very busy season, this looks to me like a very helpful guide. On a personal note, I started out with a Paleo diet on my first go and slowly moved into AIP. During that time, I was diagnosed and a whole lot of things came to light and began to make sense. While I was on Paleo, one of mine and Jason's favorite cookbooks was Well Fed. There's a recipe in there called "The Best Chicken You Will Ever Eat!". Jason and I spent a lot of time making fun of that title until we went to the trouble of actually preparing that recipe. It is, in fact, the best chicken you will ever eat, especially if you go the extra mile and prepare the chimichurri sauce to go with it. I really believe Paleo is a good segue into this diet.

If you can, get a micro-nutrient deficiency test. This was, hands down, the best thing I did in the beginning. After I received three autoimmune diagnoses and another diagnosis that often accompanies AI issues, I was flattened. For the first year, and against the advice of the more traditional rheumatologist and endocrinologist I had to see once every three months, I stayed on AIP. They were shocked at how quickly my numbers leveled out. After that, we hired a functional holistic physician to help me. I continued to see the other docs, but got the most help and support from her.  The first thing she did was perform the micro-nutrient deficiency test. When the results came in, she got me started on supplements to address those deficiencies. I immediately started feeling better.

Most recently, my doc. here performed an iodine deficiency test. Not surprisingly, I was really, really deficient. Turns out, most people are. When I started supplementing that (under the doctor's care... it's dangerous to get too much iodine, so you really shouldn't start an iodine regimen unless you have a doctor keeping up with the results) lots of secondary issues that I've dealt with years and years have cleared up.

One way I start to transition into this is to give one thing up at a time (I actually did start transitioning about eight weeks ago in anticipation of the talk I had with the doc. last week which was a combination, "Help me. I feel like death." and lab readout visit.). To begin with, I started backing off all dairy again. I still let myself get a little coconut ice cream here and there, but I tried hard to just eat this smoothie as a substitution...

In a high-powered blender...

•  Frozen banana slices
• 1/2 fresh avocado (gives a creamy consistency, but you can't taste it)
• 1/2 C- 1C water
• 2T carob powder
• 2T collagen powder

This helps me when I have an ice cream craving. I won't lie. It ain't ice cream, but it fills you up and helps curb the craving for those of us who live for ice cream! In case you don't know, carob helps you stay compliant when you can't have chocolate. Again, it ain't chocolate (but it's close).

Another favorite smoothie...

• 1/2 banana
• 1/2 fresh avocado
• 1 C water
• handful of kale or spinach (I prefer fresh, but you can buy it frozen and use that.)
• frozen fruit (I like strawberry and mango, or just mango and more mango :o))

The first time I tried this, there weren't any good AIP bread-like recipes. Here's one I love. This has made this foray back into AIP MUCH easier! This is a super-easy recipe. You can double or triple it without changing the integrity of the recipe and you can freeze them.

•  1C cassava flour
•  1/4 C coconut milk
• 1/4 C olive oil
• 1/4 cup water

Mix with a fork and then knead lightly with a hand covered with a plastic baggie. Most GF bread recipes are really sticky, but this one isn't so bad. You can pat them out onto parchment paper in 4-5" diameter rounds and pop them into a cast iron skillet (or whatever you have on hand) with some olive oil. It makes about eight tortillas.

Thankfully for you, the grocery stores are getting smart. You can get fresh or frozen riced cauliflower, butternut squash cubes and zootles (zucchini noodles) in most stores now. These go a long way to cut your prep time in the kitchen.

Another thing that has helped me a lot... I quit making bone broth. I buy this instead. In the winter I have a cup of this with 1/8 tsp powdered ginger and 1/4 tsp powdered turmeric for breakfast. I also typically eat an apple or sauteed greens with it. Then I let myself have a cup of black tea with about a 1/2 tsp of honey stirred in as my treat for choking down bone broth out of a mug. Seriously though, I got used to it quickly and actually started to crave it in the mornings. Last winter, even with a compromised immune system, I did not get sick.

In lieu of organ meats (if you just can't seem to stomach them like me), you can take dessicated liver in pill form.  When I first started taking these, I noticed a marked upswing in energy. I still have low points, but I only take one a day unless I'm really struggling. Then I take two. I think the daily dose is up to four capsules per day but I've never taken that many.

That's it for now. I'm heading back to the kitchen to prepare for another week on AIP. Please, please, please let me know if I can help or listen or pray for you... or bring you an AIP meal!  I don't want to wear anyone out talking about this, but as much as it is an intrusion on my life and one more thing to do, AIP is so helpful. I typically start feeling better somewhere inside day three on the diet. Somewhere in day 4-5 or 5-6, my body starts telling me, "Hey! Where's the sugar? Where's the caffeine?" and I experience a slump (And I become a big grump.). But that's short-lived, and I promise, things start looking up. It's really awesome if your hubby decides to do it with you! Jason stopped at Costco for me yesterday (of his own volition!) and sent a text asking what I needed. He's feeling better too! You don't have to have an auto-immune condition to try it.

A Silver Lining

I saw my doctor this week. My body has begun doing rotten, weird, mean things to me again... and just at the very moment I'd started stepping out and joining in, and facing some long-held fears, insecurities and anxieties. I won't go into particulars here, but I have been ordered by my doctor to get back on strict AIP (Auto-Immune Protocol) for the foreseeable future. If you don't know what that is, it is an extremely restrictive diet and lifestyle overhaul.

This is the very first time I've actually had a doctor tell me to go on a diet. I've put myself on AIP multiple times to try and stave off pharmaceuticals, and for the most part, it's worked well for me. The first time, I lasted about 18 months. The last time I tried it, it took a scant six weeks to burn out. However, the whole reason we hired this doc. was because we knew he would try to get to the root issues. We wanted someone that wouldn't automatically reach for the prescription pad and put me on something that might help one issue, but cause more problems somewhere else.

So here's the deal. I hate the grocery store and I hate to cook. There are SO many things I'd much rather be doing. I like to sit down somewhere, have a meal brought out to me, and let someone else do the dishes (and the shopping). My creativity ends when I step over the threshold into a kitchen. I mean, one of my all-time favorite things is just whipping through CFA for a large order of waffle fries and a Dr. Pepper. Dr. Pepper is amazing all on its own, but pour it over that amazing ice they have at CFA... and then the whole postlude of eating the DP-flavored ice is just soooo... okay... oops...sorry. 

I digress. 

Unfortunately, it is extremely difficult to stay true to AIP and eat out. I sat at our kitchen table a couple nights ago and just stared at the depression-inducing pages full of "foods to avoid". Then I got up and made myself some AIP tortillas. The depression started to subside at about the fifth tortilla. Any bread-like substance has the potential to make me happy, and those AIP tortillas are surprisingly good... especially with honey slathered all over them. That wasn't really on the diet though. 

So, while trying to "count it all joy" and praying for a silver lining (while munching tortillas... a kind of a silver lining all in themselves), this is what was laid on my heart. Maybe there's someone out there that needs to do this too, but just can't get beyond that very long "foods to avoid" list.

Can I offer support to someone in the same boat, but trying this out for the very first time? If yes... let me know! I would love to help. Here are some thoughts to consider...


I've never really had a huge weight problem, although, from my late 30s on, my weight has definitely begun to fluctuate. I can tell you that, over the last five or six years, it has become obvious to me when my body is fighting me because I get to a place where I can't wear most of my clothing, especially for my lower half. This isn't a scientific explanation by any means, but inflammation tends to trap fluid in your body, and that translates to weight gain. When the inflammation begins to decrease, a body stands to lose weight and clothing sizes rapidly. I managed to lose around 28 pounds in six weeks a few years ago on AIP, and I didn't have time to exercise much at all aside from walking the neighborhood with my kiddos.

The food you can eat is really good, it's just time-consuming to prepare. Your kids and husband will love most of it, and have no idea that they're eating really healthy food. I spent all morning limping through Wal-Mart, Aldi, Shop and Save and Natural Mercantile, and I've spent most of the afternoon roasting four pans of vegetables, making two kinds of soup, washing salad greens, cutting carrot sticks and making (You guessed it!) AIP tortillas. The good news is, all I will have to do during the week is pull soup from the freezer, or throw some meat on the grill. And I promise you won't have to do that every weekend.

I don't go to Whole Foods, Wegman's or Trader Joe's. Wegman's just overwhelms me (Don't get me started on Costco.). I love Whole Foods and Trader Joe's, but unless I absolutely have to, I don't travel east of Leesburg in this area, and frankly, we just don't have the kind of money you have to blow at those locations. It is absolutely amazing what you can find at Aldi and Wal Mart. Jason often stops at Co Co's International Food Market on his way home from work if I need something that I can't find around here (Japanese Sweet Potatoes!). And Co Co's is inexpensive too. While we're not always getting pastured meat, we're all still eating WAY better doing this.  If you're not overwhelmed by Wegman's or Costco, all the better!

Side note: You don't have to eat liver. I tried it the last go 'round. Unless you just like the stuff, don't even put yourself through that. WARNING: There are multiple recipes where they include liver and try to "hide" it by combining it with other meat. I guess I've just got really good taste buds or something because that taste just can't be hidden! You're dealing with enough already! There's a shortcut for that too.

Please let me know if I can help you. It actually does something for both of us. It makes me accountable and keeps me on the ball, and it helps you feel better and avoid many of the pitfalls you'd experience trying to go it alone like I did in the beginning. 

Here are a few resources I use if you're interested...

The Autoimmune Wellness Handbook  - The first half of this book delves into lifestyle changes for folks who have, or suspect they may be struggling with autoimmune disease or inflammation.

The Autoimmune Paleo Cookbook -  This was the first book I bought after diagnosis years ago, and it's still the first book I pick up when I realize I have to make a change to feel better. It is simple, helpful and full of great lists and recipes. The only issue I have with this book is that practically everything contains coconut in some shape or form. While many people with AI issues can tolerate coconut very well, some of us can only handle a little. There are lots of ways to get around it now that avocado oil is so readily available. I could hardly believe my eyes, but yesterday, I found it at Aldi!

Simple French Paleo - Beautiful. Sophie put so much effort into this book... right down to the gorgeous font... I start to feel better just thumbing through it. The photographs are stunning and the food is fantastic. Prior to the book's publication, I spent a lot of time on her blog, A Squirrel in the Kitchen. The blog is well-organized and very helpful.