A couple months ago we were really going through it with Jonathan. Every morning was a fit and anger and feelings of hopelessness upon hopelessness. Over and over in my head I kept saying to myself, "Boy, you're gonna be the death of me. You're really gonna be the death of me." But one day, running down the stairs after another altercation, I found myself in my own "time out" in the living room, angrily pacing and praying and crying. And then I felt it. In the tenderest whisper it came... "Jackie Dee. Baby. That little boy and that little girl... they're gonna be the LIFE of you. They ARE the LIFE of you."
I will likely never have the opportunity to honestly proclaim that God has spoken out loud to me. However, I do believe, in that moment, His Spirit was directing mine. Never would that thought have come to me without Divine intervention.
I have known for a long time that Jonathan is pure leader. This boy is all energy and all over everything. He doesn't want anyone's direction. He already knows the best way to do it. And of course he doesn't (Although sometimes he does!), but he doesn't lack any confidence in his victory or his error. Right now, he's immature enough to let that tendency direct his every move, even if it's over the backs of everyone around him. I do believe I've told this boy to leave the yellow jackets, wasps and hornets alone about thirty million times. He got stung by a yellow jacket this week. Now he leaves them alone.
This strikes fear in my heart. Will he, forever and always, have to learn everything the hard way? Will he ever develop an ear for my voice and a heart of submission and honor for his mother?
He has concern for others. He wants to pray for Syrians and Kurds and Iranians. He wants to give his piggy bank money to the guy with the sign by Wal Mart. But he doesn't want to let a friend get in front of him in line. He's the leader for heaven's sake! Why doesn't the world get that? And if he knows for sure that the month of October has 31 days, why in the world should he wait to fill in that whole calendar if he gets the notion to do it on October 1st? Why can't he complete his entire math workbook in one sitting?
And his sister is so eager to follow this dynamic, yet extremely immature leader to the precipice of doom.
All I can do is commit this boy and his little sister to God's providence almost every moment of every day. And wow. This boy has my heart. His sister has my heart. These kids are AMAZING and infuriating.
And I'm not the only one giving it all here to give life and experience and education and grace. They may never know it, but they are the life blood in this 42 year old who never seems to reach a place where she feels much more than an inexperienced girl. They are God's gift to a weary and wounded soul. They exhaust me and petrify me and overjoy me and purify me and try me until I have nothing left. And yet more is required. They are a gift too wondrous to be defined.
I was studying a Botticelli the other day to present to our co-op while listening to a beautiful soprano voice sing Gregorian Chant through my phone. Moments later I found myself covered in goose-flesh... tears springing to my eyes. The painting, "The Mystic Nativity", was created in response to loss. Botticelli's friend, Dominican friar Girolamo Savonarola, had been martyred in Florence. Illustrating both the first and second comings of Christ, it is as genius as it is beautiful. And it came to us as the direct result of deep grief searching out Divine Hope.
Many of the Psalms of David are examples of this wrestling within the human spirit, this need to make sense of evil within and without. We are a broken image. We have no power to create on the scale of our Maker. But somewhere He meets us as we journal or draw or paint or improvise at a piano or guitar. He intimately understands our need to bring order out of chaos, good out of evil, harmony out of cacophony. He comes near to lend us aid as we seek. And art remains.
And the product, centuries later, are the Psalms and "The Mystic Nativity". We have Beethoven's 9th Symphony... a deaf genius bringing to our ears one of the most beautiful hymns the world has ever known.
"Joyful, joyful we adore Thee, God of glory Lord of
love. Hearts unfold like flowers before Thee, opening to the sun above.
Melt the clouds of sin and sadness. Drive the dark of doubt away. Giver
of immortal gladness, fill us with the light of day."
I look into the faces of my son and daughter and I see God's marvelous handiwork. Counter-intuitively, as I pour life into them, they become the life in me. In all their complexity, there exists the raw material for a great work that will not reach completion this side of Eternity.
And oh the art they will leave behind...
