Disappointing Myself

No one could be harder on me than I am on myself.  It's a new year and I've already disappointed myself on many occasions.  Jonathan is starting into the terrible twos early, and I'm not really feeling up to that.  I'm not the mommy I want to be.  I'm not handling this well and it's only January 6th.  I read about resolutions and plans, and all I can muster is, "I'm tired -- more tired and sore than I think I've ever been."  When I get an opportunity, I just want to sit and mindlessly watch a movie or read something that doesn't require any deep thought or soul searching on my part.  I get annoyed that I can't physically, spiritually or mentally be all things to all people.  I consistently feel as if I've failed someone or some cause.  I want to fix everything for all the people in my life, and I haven't been given that power.  

Of the memory verses that hang on my bathroom mirror, one is a verse that has always been very familiar to me, but I've never completely immersed myself in its meaning. 

Romans 12:1 says 

"Therefore, I urge you, brothers and sisters, in view of God's mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God-this is your true and proper worship."  

I don't know why, but I've always equated this verse with eating right and exercising.  It's never been presented to me that way, but that's how I've interpreted it.  I can't blame anyone for misguiding me.  It occurred to me, just two days ago, as I closed my eyes and rehearsed it in my head, just how weighty those words are.  I had asked the Holy Spirit to interpret for me the depth of the words, but I wasn't prepared for what was revealed.

If you know me, you know how much I love words -- how much I love a good story.   When I watch a movie (mostly at home these days), I like to watch with the captions turned on.  I don't want to miss a shred of meaning.  I will watch and re-watch a movie - read and re-read a book, until I feel I completely understand the meaning the author/ producer wanted to convey.  I'm that way with people too.  I like to understand them -- really feel them.  At times, I feel strongly, if I could truly understand each verse of the Bible, I could truly know God.  Of course, that's not possible for any human, but maybe it's a good goal to have anyway.

Bear with me.  My interpretation may be way off the mark, but this is what Romans 12:1 suddenly means to me.  If I believe God, I must bear fruit.  I don't get to decide the variety of fruit or how it will be borne out in me.  I am the "living sacrifice."   I don't get to choose how or when or where I become the sacrifice.  The sacrifice takes the blade at whatever altar its Owner desires.   If I say I believe, I must be ready and willing to trust Him.  He is merciful.  He will use me where and when and how He will -- not where and when and how I think I should be used.  I just manage to get in the way when I insert my own plans.  My pride so easily overshadows His work when I choose to operate this way.

So now -- back to that first paragraph.  This revelation is very freeing for me.  "In view of God's mercy" I have not been given the power to be all things to all people.  What amazing grace!  I just have to be open to what He wills as I walk the path He's laid out for me.  That takes a lot of pressure off me.  The Plan is not in my pitiful hands.  Only He knows the future.  

So I start the new year with no plans -- nothing to add pressure to my life -- no preconceived notions of what this year should bring.  

I simply and sincerely proclaim:

"The Eternal God is [my] Refuge, and underneath are the Everlasting Arms."

~ Deuteronomy 33:27

Happy New Year !