Vulnerable

I have been thinking a lot about vulnerability lately.  Hard places and hard people can force your mind to go to dark places.  They make you want to hide and disengage. 

I decided, a while back now, that vulnerability is still a good thing.  It comes pretty naturally to me.  If we're not vulnerable, we're not able to bear the burdens of others.  We're false.  We give the impression that we've got it all together when, in reality, we're struggling, just like everyone else.  We take away the pleasure others have in helping us bear our burdens. 

So here's some validation for that decision from someone who conveys the message a whole lot better than I can. 

http://www.mundanefaithfulness.com/home/2015/1/15/tears-the-essence-of-the-best-of-life

Blessings.

In Our Weakness...

I have been keeping up with Kara Tippetts lately.  Do you know her?  I feel like I do.  I just peeked at her facebook page.  Lyle Lovett, U2, The Beatles, Rich Mullins, an "excellent" husband named Jason.  Kara Tippetts is two years my junior.  She has four young children.  She is in hospice care.  If God does not heal her here, He will heal her there in just a matter of days. 

http://www.mundanefaithfulness.com/home/2014/12/29/by-degrees-living-and-dying

I don't want to be a downer, but these are the things I ponder.  Go look at her.  Do you see what's shining out of her eyes?  I do.  And I want it.

Actually, I already have it.  There are just a few too many "things" in the way - too much obscuring the Light.

I recently had a problem.  Something I couldn't fix.  A situation I couldn't redeem.  It all fell apart. In the detritus of that collapse, I couldn't find a way out.  I literally ignored the problem and the relationship.  NEVER has this hard-charger ignored a problem.  Anything that seemed too much could be overcome by a candid discussion, a few days of hard work and maybe a few skipped meals.  A night or two without sleep.  Easy.  There's always been a proverbial "light at the end of the tunnel".  Not this time.  This was too much.

I've delivered all the excuses.  My health concerns.  My daughter's health issues.  Navigating the world of foster-to-adopt, therapists and case workers while deeply troubled over my biological son's reaction to the process.  Would this be a permanent scar on his soul?  My own insurmountable insecurities over a lack-of-ability to care for a special needs child.  A child who has been hospitalized four times in 18 months.  Our lives turned upside down in a matter of a few days in early June.  Everything changed.

I remember dusty afternoons on the playground in elementary school.  My best friend, Jennifer, and I got upset over petty schoolyard conflicts between our friends.  We had a place between school buildings that we would run to, hand-in-hand, and perform our Wonder-Woman twirls.  We changed into little healers of broken relationships.  We would literally divide and conquer, counseling the "injured parties" separately, and instigating playground apologies and hugs all around.  It was easy then.

I'm slow.  I know.  

It was ordained.  At some point on my timeline, it was bound to happen... the realization that I am not a super hero.  

Pride.  Pride obscures the Light.  Yet He is not bound by time.  He is certainly not bound by my time.  A tiny blip. 

He was there to help me when I could not help myself.  I've not exactly been all that quick to let Him help.  I'm still struggling to let Him take the reigns... to turn it over.  He knew that this situation could not be bulldozed by a hard-charger.  It involved fragile hearts... quite possibly another heart much more fragile than my own.  It required, and still requires, the skill of a Love and Grace that does not come naturally to me.  A Love and Grace not bound by flesh.  He had to isolate me.  He had to strip everything away and surround me with the sheer face of a rock on one side and a vast expanse of air on the other to give me a glimpse of His Glory. To show me that I could not stand on my own. I could not escape the ledge without Him.

Full, childish reliance on Him.  That's what's required.  

I'm tempted to entertain the idea that the lesson came too late.
Pride.
I'll repeat it to myself.  He is not limited by time.  He is certainly not limited to my time.  I can only believe that "too late" part if I entertain the narcissistic idea that I'm the only factor in this scenario.  I've been removed, but the work is still in process in others... in me.  The work is likely greater with me out of the way. Just because I can't control the work or do the work doesn't mean that "hidden happenings" aren't fully underway.

Kara got it right.  It is faithfulness and thanksgiving in the mundane that He wants.  It is submission to this place. This now. That's a hard lesson for a gal addicted to runners' highs and views from the tops of 14ers.  Things have been way too easy up to now.

This Love is tough.

I tend to trust the idea that my intuition is infallible instead of allowing Him to test my heart.  Instead of asking Him to help me test a situation.  I trust my own opinions without knowing scenarios from all sides.  I try to put myself in other people's shoes... oh how I try.  Strangers and friends come to me all too often with their life stories and troubles.  I forget that I could NEVER know, even in the telling, the truest version of the story.  I have not lived it. How much pride does it take to venture a weak opinion based on a mishmash of emotional words strung together in the space of a few moments?  Those stories took a lifetime to evolve.  Isn't it pride that allows me to perform a character analysis in a situation involving the glorious heart of another Creation of God?  Am I omniscient?  Am I omnipresent?

He's offered me this gift... this gift of brokenness. The stripping away of a tremendous pride.  The healing of a weak heart.  The strengthening of a tenuous faith. I'm trying hard to take it.

Go and see Kara... Kara-so-close-to-God.  You will likely want to look like her too. She looks a lot like Jesus to me.

Happy Birthday, Jonathan Clark!

 Dear Sweet Jonathan --

I cannot believe it has been four years since I first held you in my arms.  When you were brand new, I had hours and hours to sit and stare into your beautiful face.  I wondered then, as I do now, who you were and what you would reveal to us as you began to learn to share your thoughts and dreams.  As your personality continues to emerge, this is what I've become delighted to learn...

You are a collector.  You have a collection of favorite toys under your pillow at all times.  You have collections of bugs and bug parts scattered on both porches, in the garage and in a few places inside the house.  You keep a collection of rocks, fossils, lizard tails, plants, seeds and berries in various places as well.  You delight in the classification of creation.  You see so much beauty in what the rest of us relegate to the "ordinary".  You look in awe at the patterns of leaves and bark on a tree, and the variety of bugs and birds who find shelter there.  A stray feather can occupy your thoughts for hours.  Your favorite books are field guides to insects, flowers, birds, animals and even the night sky.  Just today you put words to your imagination and declared that "There are mountain lions sleeping today in those hills, Mommy!" as we drove home from the campsite.  

You are curious.  You ask some of the most amazing questions.  Mommy has such a hard time answering sometimes, but she always makes an effort.  If ever I questioned that an infinity awaits us, I don't anymore.  I can see eternity so clearly in your eyes.  

I am so thankful for our faith.  Much of what I cannot explain to you can be found in God's Word.  I don't have to go far to find you an answer.  As a person who is very sensory, I remember finding it hard to swallow some of those explanations as a child.  I needed to see and experience for myself.  I hope that, although I see that same quality in you, you will find comfort in His Creation and His Word throughout your life.  

You are compassionate.  Jonathan, you have such a sweet, tender heart!  You are rough and tumble.  You are ALL BOY!   But when you notice that someone looks left out, sad or scared, you are the first to find a way to cheer that someone up.  Son, this is one of the things that makes me most proud of you.  You encourage those around you. When your little sister meets a milestone, you are her biggest cheerleader - her most precious fan.  It's as if you realize already that you are a big key to her development, and you want to do your part - but you do it because you have a big, big love in your heart.  You aren't devoid of envy, but are often able, even as a four-year-old, to lay it aside to love on someone else.    

The feeling that I cannot contain all the love I have for you just grows.  I thought it was overwhelming on the day you were born, but it just becomes bigger and bigger as the days, weeks, months and years go by.  I often ask our Lord how I can help you find your calling and find the courage to live your dreams.  I hope that, in some way, you will find that unique calling in the service of others.  I thank God that He, in his infinite Love and Mercy, allowed me the privilege to be your mother.  

Happy Birthday My Love --

Mama

Happy Birthday Melanie Anne!

Dear Melanie --

It has been nearly a year since we said our first hellos.  You were wearing a little black, white and yellow outfit adorned with sunflowers and bees.  Mommy thought that was a good omen.  Yellow is a favorite color, and Mommy's kitchen is full of sunflowers and bees!  You were hiding in a corner - something you still do on occasion when you're apprehensive about a situation.  Daddy drew you out with a funny helicopter that flew way up to the ceiling in the therapy room at the group home where you were living.  We ate at Burger King and took you back home.  Two days later you were ours. 

 

You have adapted well to a crazy and extremely imperfect Mama and Daddy whose parenting anxiety is painfully obvious.  You have endured more challenges to your health this year with amazing tenacity.  You have a seemingly inexhaustible endurance for pain.  You are so strong.  You are an overcomer.  Yet you are such a tiny thing.  You weighed 17 pounds when we met you and we still struggle to keep you above 20 pounds.  

I love to watch you consider an insect or look at the sky.  It is so new to you.  Creation is so vivid and wondrous through those gigantic, soulful eyes.  You must be "outside!"  You love music and, at least to this proud and probably only slightly biased Mama, it sounds as if you can already follow a melody line with your voice.  You love to talk on your play phones and have imaginary conversations with Grammy, Giggie, Papa Jack, Bop and Blossom (Grammy's senile, deaf & blind sheltie).   You are so fun to dress!  You love shoes so much that, if Mama didn't forbid it here and there, you'd be in a different pair every half hour.   You are almost always, "hungrin".  

It has been a fantastic year.  You have experienced a lot of firsts!  We carved pumpkins and had Trick-or-Treating for Halloween.  We enjoyed Thanksgiving and Christmas at Grammy & Papa Jack's.  Easter egg hunts were a BIG hit with you.  You went on a long camping trip to see Giggie, Bop, Uncle Jeremy, Aunt Stephanie & Cousin Kirbie.  You've been fishing and frog hunting, and you've learned to torture bugs and lizards just like your big brother.  Tomorrow there will be a cake just for you and a big sack full of presents.   

We have all grown up a lot this year.  Growing up can be painful.  Mama & Daddy have made a lot of mistakes.  At times, we've unintentionally compared you to an older brother who has never known your struggles.  At other times, we've not given you or your brother the priority you deserved.  Often, we've expected a whole lot more than you could give.  We're learning too, and by some extraordinary grace, you're loving us through that learning.  Mama is so overwhelmed and frustrated at times only to receive a hug and a heartfelt "I miss you" (We think you mean "I love you.") in return.  What we hope to accomplish, as we learn and grow ourselves, is to end the overwhelming struggles you've experienced.  We hope those normalize into the more common struggles of a child who has a deep knowledge that she is loved unconditionally and that she was chosen.  We also hope that unconditional love will help you face the struggles that remain in life with grace and faith.  The crazy thing about this whole gig... we're learning all this unconditional love from you!  

You were chosen, Melanie.  We didn't quite know what that meant when we first laid eyes on you.  We didn't know what it all meant when we first laid eyes on big brother Jonathan either.  The path is never clearly charted.  There are always unexpected twists and turns - brambles and briars.  But there are waterfalls, flowers, and scenes to take your breath away.  There are summits that make the rigorous climbs completely worth the undertaking!   You are so worth it baby girl.  You are so beautiful.  You are ours.  We love you.  Happy third birthday Melanie Anne!  

"For he chose us in him before the creation of the world to be holy and blameless in his sight.  In love he predestined us for adoption to sonship through Jesus Christ, in accordance with his pleasure and will - to the praise of his glorious grace, which he has freely given us in the One he loves."   

Love, 

Mama 

Easter 2013

We had a fantastic Easter this year.  The festivities began the Saturday prior to Holy Week with a children's worship time and Easter Egg hunt at our church.  

Egg hunt at church

Easter Basket

Wow!

Ready for worship

Holy Week craft

Starting on Palm Sunday, Jonathan and I  began crafting a Holy Week calendar telling the story of the week prior to Jesus' death and resurrection.  Jonathan and I enjoyed it and I think Jonathan has a little better comprehension of the real meaning of Easter.  

On Easter Sunday we had friends over for a pot luck and egg hunt.  We enjoyed visiting with our friends and watching the kiddos hunt eggs.  The afternoon was punctuated by a beautiful spring storm.   

Dyeing eggs on Good Friday

Goings On

We have been extra busy these days... taking family pictures, throwing a baby shower for dear friends, hanging with another dear friend who almost lost her best friend, and enjoying the Spring/ Easter season. 

With his language development, we're really enjoying watching Jonathan's personality emerge these days.  Some of the funniest phrases to date...

"Mama, I just gave the snakes a bath!"  ~after peeing in the grass at the edge of the housing area.  Sidenote:  Peeing outside is our favorite pasttime these days.

"Ahhhh.  This is the life.  You're doing a GREAT job Mommy!" ~ while having his hair washed and scalp massaged during bath time.  

Not only that, Jonathan is definitely developing a very compassionate soul, and that does my mama's heart good.  Recently, his furry friend next door, Burton, was hit by a rattlesnake while Miss Dawn, Burton (the furry friend) and I were on a twilight run.  Jonathan insisted, for many nights after, that we pray for and sing to Burton.  In fact, Jonathan likes to pray for many of our friends and family before bed.  He often suggests the folks we should pray for.  By the way, Burton is recovering just fine and keeping up his title as this neighborhood's thug/ sweetheart/ favorite citizen.

Jonathan after drawing a mustache in just the right place


Prior to all the above goings on, we took Jonathan to the San Antonio Stock Show.  It was kind of a flop, but an experience nonetheless.  

Jonathan is very interested in the creative arts these days.  When the weather's bad, we pull up the living room rug and do a lot of finger painting, on the easel, and the wall, and the back of Mommy's pants and every exposed and unexposed appendage.  Sometimes some paint actually hits the paper.  {Smile}  

Just last week, Jonathan upgraded to a "bigger boy" bike.  It was the last day of Jason's travel away.  After a long week of little sleep, I happened upon a garage sale where we bought this little gem.  We dropped by Wal Mart to find some training wheels and he's been at it ever since.  

Earlier this week, we finally got this boy a library card.  He's been anxious to carry it around and show everyone.  Because we live in Bexar County, but have a Boerne mailing address, we can have a library card for the SA Library and the Boerne Library.  Both branches have perks.  The Boerne branch story time fits best with our schedule, and it has a fantastic children's area.  The closest San Antonio branch has a really great park nearby.  

"And You Give Yourself Away"

 No pain that I will ever experience is unique.  Somewhere, somehow, someone is feeling exactly how I am at this moment on this huge raging ball of rock hurtling through the universe.  Funny how I spent my entire adolescence, and most of my twenties, thinking my struggles were so special, so unique and so big.  How full of pride and full of ignorance I was... I am... in so many ways. We all struggle.  We all suffer.  We all fear.  We all feel and cause pain.    

Sometimes my heart gets so overwhelmed with the frustration of being human, and then I want to laugh at myself.  Who am I?  What have I suffered?  What about the 7-8-9 year old being sold into sexual slavery?  What about the adolescent on the brink of suicide?  What about the nations starving... the victims of genocide... the victims of abuse and neglect... the victims of radical religion? 

I pray for protection, for a pregnancy, for an adoption, for mercy and strength and gentleness.  But when I'm really being honest with myself, I know that I should pray the hardest for salvation from my spoiled, entitled self.  I get my heart hurt because I can't have the things I want - the ornaments of affluence that make me feel so entitled, so full of myself and so stupid with pride.  

And then I remember...

YOU gave yourself away.

YOU poured yourself out.  

YOU were "despised and rejected."

YOU were "oppressed and afflicted."

Someone like me crucified YOU.

And YOU willingly gave yourself for me.  

My heart's cry tonight - Lord, make me like you.  

I am "a lost cause - an outcast - a grateful leper at your feet." (Casting Crowns),

and you have given me the power to make the lost cause and the outcast feel your Love.  

Help me to always choose to let you pour yourself through me.   Help me to remember your love, your grace, your mercy... the love, grace and mercy that you have always showered on me while giving me the free will to accept or reject it.   

Teach me how to give myself away.

"He must become greater. I must become less."

~John 3:30

Goodbye

"How fading are the joys we dote upon!

Like apparitions seen and gone.

But those which soonest take their flight

Are those most exquisite and strong,-

Like angels' visits short and bright;

Mortality's too weak to bear them long."

~John Norris

Tonight I am packing Kaia's things, just as I imagined I would a week ago.  I laid her down for the last time in the little white crib.  I am full of unshed tears.  

Kaia will go to a set of very happy grandparents.  We will reflect on the fact that we are truly blessed with our sweet, wild boy.  Life will go on.  But we will never forget the little girl we hoped to make our daughter.  

His Eye Is On the Sparrow

I don't eat or sleep much lately... the side effects of an overwhelming joy, anxiety, hilarity and fear, all bundled up in one little girl.  For those of you who don't know, Kaia came to us on December 19th and has graced us with something I can't even name... a "divine interruption" if ever there was one.  

First Hours

Close friends were already gathered in our home when we got "the call."  In fact, before we knew Kaia was coming, Miss Dawn had already planned to make a pizza run.  More friends joined us before the evening was out and Kaia was thoroughly welcomed.  

early bird gets the -  train?

If Jonathan is awake, he's up.  Jonathan likes to wake up early.  Not only that, he has a sixth sense.  If anyone in the house is up, he knows it, and he's up too.  He woke the house on Christmas morning.   Kaia lounged in bed for a while.  Mama wished she could lounge in bed for a while.  

Kaia's favorite thing

Kaia eats.  And eats.  And eats.  Kaia loves food.  All food.  Kaia does not discriminate against any kind of food.  Kaia wants her food and your food too.  

Christmas sweaters

Christmas Day was a little hard.  It was so windy out that we really couldn't get the kiddos outside. Jonathan, Kaia, Mommy and Daddy love to be outside.  We are often spoiled by the weather in South Texas, so all day inside can be problematic for us.  We had blueberry, chocolate chip and pecan pancakes for Christmas dinner.  Homemade bread and double chocolate cookies kept us distracted for a little while.  Mmmmmm... carbs, carbs and more carbs.  

Mr. Cute opening a gift from Grammy & Papa Jack

We'd been blissfully enjoying our time as a family of four.  No one really bothered us from CPS or the agency.   Everyone was on leave.  Then Wednesday happened.   

The San Antonio Children's Museum

We spent the morning of the first hearing at the children's museum trying to take our minds off the fact that Kaia might be leaving us soon.  Jason attended the hearing that afternoon.  The news was good and bad.  

Kaia's grandparents want custody.  We don't really know what that means.  I tend to be an optimist, even when there's no good reason to be optimistic.  I'll be the first to admit that I'm not always reasonable or logical.  There's a little part of me that hopes the grandparents will decide to leave Kaia with us for now.  We pray and hope, and next Wednesday we will, most likely, be packing our little "San Antonio Girl's" things.  Here is a quote that continues to come to my mind as this little drama unfolds.    

“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.”  ~C.S. Lewis

We signed up for this.  We knew what might happen, and we still don't know The Plan.  But we look into a pair of mischievous gray - blue eyes and know without a doubt that we're already blessed beyond measure.  

"I sing because I'm happy.  

I sing because I'm free.

His eye is on the sparrow,

And He watches over me."

Blanco State Park

Last weekend we met Grammy & Papa Jack with our trailers at Blanco State Park.  The park is not even an hour northeast of Boerne.  We had a ball.  Jonathan got to go on his first fishing excursion, we saw a couple of very nice lights displays and enjoyed a living Nativity presentation, after which Jonathan got to pet (and hug) goats, sheep, cows and donkeys.  We watched "A Charlie Brown Christmas" in Grammy & Papa Jack's trailer, ate grilled filet mignon, drank hot cocoa and had s'mores over the campfire.  Hopefully this little outing will become a December tradition.

Determination

Catching a fish with Papa Jack

Now what do I do?

Worn out

 little trailer

Christmas s'mores!

Giving Thanks and Getting Ready

Lampasas, Texas is just about midway between us and Grammy & Papa Jack's house.  We stop there on almost every trip up because of a certain park and play ground there.  There are ducks to chase too.  On Thanksgiving Day, we drove up early so that we could make it in time for dinner, but we still made the traditional stop at "our" park.  It was already decorated for Christmas.

Unfortunately, I didn't manage to get any photos of our Thanksgiving celebration.  It was the first time in a long time that my family, my parents, my brothers and their families were all under one roof at a holiday.  It was particularly special this year because Aunt CeCe officially became a Womack this fall.  Aaron and CeCe tied the knot in October.  CeCe has been an undisputed member of the family for a long time, but we're so thankful that she's stuck with us now!

This year, Uncle Josh's birthday fell on Thanksgiving Day.  It was a double celebration!  I think I speak for everyone when I say that we are all very thankful for Uncle Josh. 

Jonathan does a lot of singing and dancing these days.  He has a pretty good ear for a two-and-a-half year old.  His favorite songs are the "ABC" song, "Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star", "Jesus Loves Me", the "Dinosaur Train" theme song and he's learning "Jingle Bells."  

December 6th, Giggie & Bop spent the day with us.  We had lunch at Rudy's, went to see Santa & had some dinner at Freddy's before they headed back to Tupelo.  It was a very nice surprise.  

December 8th was another busy day.  We decided to participate in the Angel Tree program at our church.  Dec. 8th was delivery day.  Jonathan helped me make cupcakes the night before and we had a little birthday celebration for Jesus before we delivered our gifts to the family of the inmate.  Jason read from Matthew 25:34-40 and said a prayer for the family that we were about to visit.  

That morning, Jonathan and I went shopping with some of our friends on base.  Boerne has a Christmas market on the town square the first two weekends in December.  We had a great time.  The kids played in the water while we listened to live music.

Happy Birthday Jesus!

Who knew Christmas shopping could be this relaxing?

Playing with friends

Zzzzzzzzzzzz.