This gray weather puts me in a pensive mood. For some reason, in that place, I often need to look back and ruminate on His faithfulness in my past. The mist shrouds the future in such a way that it creates a hint of anxiety in my heart. This reminiscing almost always grounds me when I'm in want of the sun and can't have him. Hopefully it will be an encouragement to you too. I don't share much from this blog. It's a more personal space where I let myself be more authentically me on the page. But I think I can bring this one to the light.

A Feast of Days

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The Grace in Love

March 19, 2015

Have you ever been a girl without a country, tearing yourself apart trying to do the very best you could to survive and serve, only to receive rebuke for not doing more? I’m willing to bet that, if you’ve been a Christian for very long, you’ve probably been there.

Once upon a time, I wasn’t spending enough time socializing with a particular group. I had turned down one too many invitations to stay home and read or watch a movie on the love seat with my sweet hubby. The Bible became a weapon. I remember specifically how deftly 1 Corinthians 12:27 and Romans 12:5 were wielded against me.  In someone's opinion, I wasn't serving the body. I was teaching school, had a killer commute, was helping with children's church, was leading children's choir and singing in the choir. However, I had unintentionally managed to hurt my extroverted friend with my introverted self.

Who knows why God gave some folks an intense craving for society, and some the desire to occasionally avoid it. When studying the nature of Christ, it seems to me that he was rather introverted. That’s not to say that introversion is the better thing. It’s always seemed like a real curse to me. Christ’s introversion was likely not the self-centered brand. I’ll be the first to admit that extra time to think is not always a good thing. All I’m getting at is this. As the story unfolds in the Gospels, he certainly seemed to need a retreat here and there to recharge. It was a part of his humanness. Can it be concluded then that introversion is not necessarily an inherent evil?

If we are one body with many parts, the parts will not be the same. We are wrong if we presume that everyone must serve as we do. I’ve been guilty of the same presumption. Some of us serve by throwing parties. Some of us serve by asking a single friend in crisis to have coffee at our kitchen table. Some of us have a ministry to school children and others to a corporate office.

Here’s the crux though. The rebuke was heard and taken to heart. It wasn’t tested and weighed. The arrow hit its target and the pain was acute. It played right into a conviction I’ve had from childhood that my need to regroup and process away from others was a very selfish need indeed. I believed that her particular admonishment came out of a loving place when, in truth, it came straight out of the darkness. 

A whole host of accusations have settled into this porous heart.

Coming to grips with your own identity and significance in Christ sometimes feels like a never-ending wrestling match. When you feel odd, shy, perpetually overwhelmed, unlovable, unlikable, too intense, un-fun, irredeemable, ridiculous… do you ever feel that, in those times, you’re the most lovable to God?  I'm not exactly there yet, but when my children face a tough situation…when they struggle and fail… oh how I love them! I want to hold them in those times more than in any other. I want to take their pain.

It took a few months, but I finally realized, through my husband's wisdom and my heavenly father's love, my friend's accusation was unfounded. However, in my soul searching after that event, I began to sense that my service in that time and place was not fully authentic. I was giving out of a sense of duty, maybe a place of pride, and possibly an unconscious cultural requirement. Even though my service at church was not called into question, something was definitely lacking there.

We were both wrong.

A grace inherently exists in our created selves, in our humanity, simply because he created it. Love is there. We are fallen, but we are still his chosen image-bearers. Maybe our preferred mode of expression really is okay when it’s genuinely offered in service to him and his people. When we ask for love, we receive it, but not to keep. But if we continually grapple with how we’re going to express it, if we question his creativity in us, if we allow others to question or judge it in error, it gets stuck. It hardens in the porous places and turns our hearts to unyielding stone. 

I am asking God these days to help me examine my motives and to put more of his love in my heart. Instead, these little reassurances of his love for me show up in the most unexpected places. An encouraging comment from a dear cousin. An unexpected leg-hug from my favorite four-year-old on earth. A silly song sung by my favorite three-year-old on earth. A sunset so breathtaking it brings tears to my eyes. A simple text from a friend. A melody so stunning and fluid that it is immediately imprinted on my soul. Those reassurances reinforce his love in me... his love for me. 

When we feel loved, there's nothing left to prove. It doesn’t matter anymore that I’d rather talk with one person all night long than spend an evening at a party or several weeks planning one. Didn’t he come up with the idea in the first place? He needs a perky party planner as much as he needs a bibliophile with an espresso machine, a tea kettle, a pile of messy journals and listening ears. And when I fail, when I stumble, when I retreat too often, that’s when he aches to hold his girl.

“For we are God’s masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus so we can do the good things he planned for us long ago.” ~Ephesians 2:10

“But Jesus Himself would often slip away to the wilderness and pray.” ~Luke 5:16

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Zucchini Cheese, Sweet Potatoes and other Yuck...

So...

...unless you like your cheese to taste like ZUCCHINI and have the consistency of CAFETERIA JELLO,  just don't do this to yourself. While it's not all that much effort, the simple act of breathing is too much effort when what you get in return is the above described zucchini cheese. Needless to say, I was feeling desperate for a cheese-like substance, so I tried it. Never again. Nutritional yeast is what gives it a "cheese-ish" taste, but actually that's overstating things right on into the next century. Don't forget that we're still really close to the beginning of this century. I cannot stress this enough. Do NOT try the zucchini cheese recipe. I am forcing it down to get the calories and because I would rather eat that {blech} than stand in the kitchen preparing one more thing. The only redeeming quality is the parsley. Parsley tastes like parsley and has the consistency of parsley. And it has a calming effect on your stomach after you've experienced the disgusting-ness that is zucchini cheese.  Let me just say it one more time for effect. DO NOT attempt the zucchini cheese! You're welcome.

I know that I may stand alone here, but from the time I was a little tyke, I have always gagged on sweet potatoes. To me, those little melted marshmallows on top just made things that much worse. How could anyone mess up a melted marshmallow by putting it on top of sweet potatoes? That is a question for the ages. I will likely never get a satisfactory answer. I'm quite sure that many of my taste buds have died, but I still gag on sweet potatoes. I want my white potatoes back. I need to check that re-introduction list because if white potatoes are not early, early in the process, I'm a goner. Plantain chips are pretty good, but potato chips!! French fries!!!! 

One thing I had completely forgotten about AIP... every stinkin' thing tastes like coconut (almost). I actually like the taste and texture of coconut. I used to sneak into the pantry when I was a kid and grab hand fulls of coconut shreds and stuff them in my mouth. Heaven. I'd never had an aversion to it, that is, until my first go at AIP. That's another thing about the zucchini cheese. What cheese have you eaten, ever in your life, that had even a hint of coconut flavor?  Right. None.

All kidding aside (Keep in mind, I'm absolutely NOT kidding about the zucchini cheese.),  I feel better, the foot pain is slowly subsiding and I've got WAY more energy on less caffeine. My kitchen floor actually got mopped last night (Don't ask me when that happened last.).

I did slip up and have a gluten-free chocolate cookie with mint-chocolate icing melted all over the top of it at Happy Creek Coffee Sunday night. Jason was my partner in crime, and he did help me eat it. So, thankfully, I did not consume the cookie in its entirety. Then, with that memory of minty chocolate in my mouth, I sneaked some of Melanie's York Peppermint Patty minis out of the pantry. When I say some, I mean at least twenty. Can I just say, it was so worth it! I'm now back into plateau mode on the scale, and I had a couple days worth of... oh nevermind.  But man oh man... mint and chocolate. Those cookies are out of this world. Don't go to Happy Creek unless you have way more self control than this gal.

I realize I'm supposed to be supporting you on your dietary path to health and wellness. And hopefully I have. This is definitely a worthy journey, but if you become overly anxious about what's going into your body, or if you over do the exercise, you can eat all the right things and experience set backs. These AIP books are full of good ideas, and they're full of quite a few suggestions that I just can't get behind. And I'm learning that it's okay. The occasional dietary slip is not the end of the world. For someone like me, gluten can set me back for six months to a year, but all the other stuff is a hiccup. There's grace for all of it. So if you get a cheese craving, and you can't fight it, just eat some cheese and realize that there will be consequences, but they will be much less intense than the realization that you have half a container of zucchini "cheese" sitting in the fridge that you feel obligated to consume. I hope that puts it all into the right perspective. 

AIP Update

Waking up to Day 10 on strict AIP...

• Left leg swelling is completely gone.
• Left hip is no longer giving me fits.
• Lower back pain is gone.
• Energy levels are up.
• Brain fog is lifting, however still present.
• Lower dependence on allergy meds. to make it through the day. I've taken it three times this week as opposed to every single day. I didn't really need it, but I took it this morning and will take it again tomorrow morning as a precautionary measure. Monday morning I will try to go without it again. FYI: I do recall in times past on this diet, my allergy symptoms were slim to none all the time I was fully on. When I would sneak a bite of ice cream, or some chips and salsa, BAM. Post nasal drip, itchy skin and headaches.   
• Five lbs. gone.
• Left heel/foot is still tender (so intense exercise is still out), but much, much better

Weight is at the bottom end of the list because it's not the biggest reason to do this. But it is one thing that really keeps me motivated. When you see the pounds start to drop, it's easier to stick with it.

One thing occurred to me since I posted last week. In talking with, writing and sending recipes to  some of you concerning questions about this diet/lifestyle change, I didn't give information on some of the things that have eased this transition for me in the past and have made this go 'round the easiest yet.

This book, The Autoimmune Wellness Handbook, gives you a guide to either go cold-turkey or ease into AIP. For folks that are doing this for the first time or are just in a very busy season, this looks to me like a very helpful guide. On a personal note, I started out with a Paleo diet on my first go and slowly moved into AIP. During that time, I was diagnosed and a whole lot of things came to light and began to make sense. While I was on Paleo, one of mine and Jason's favorite cookbooks was Well Fed. There's a recipe in there called "The Best Chicken You Will Ever Eat!". Jason and I spent a lot of time making fun of that title until we went to the trouble of actually preparing that recipe. It is, in fact, the best chicken you will ever eat, especially if you go the extra mile and prepare the chimichurri sauce to go with it. I really believe Paleo is a good segue into this diet.

If you can, get a micro-nutrient deficiency test. This was, hands down, the best thing I did in the beginning. After I received three autoimmune diagnoses and another diagnosis that often accompanies AI issues, I was flattened. For the first year, and against the advice of the more traditional rheumatologist and endocrinologist I had to see once every three months, I stayed on AIP. They were shocked at how quickly my numbers leveled out. After that, we hired a functional holistic physician to help me. I continued to see the other docs, but got the most help and support from her.  The first thing she did was perform the micro-nutrient deficiency test. When the results came in, she got me started on supplements to address those deficiencies. I immediately started feeling better.

Most recently, my doc. here performed an iodine deficiency test. Not surprisingly, I was really, really deficient. Turns out, most people are. When I started supplementing that (under the doctor's care... it's dangerous to get too much iodine, so you really shouldn't start an iodine regimen unless you have a doctor keeping up with the results) lots of secondary issues that I've dealt with years and years have cleared up.

One way I start to transition into this is to give one thing up at a time (I actually did start transitioning about eight weeks ago in anticipation of the talk I had with the doc. last week which was a combination, "Help me. I feel like death." and lab readout visit.). To begin with, I started backing off all dairy again. I still let myself get a little coconut ice cream here and there, but I tried hard to just eat this smoothie as a substitution...

In a high-powered blender...

•  Frozen banana slices
• 1/2 fresh avocado (gives a creamy consistency, but you can't taste it)
• 1/2 C- 1C water
• 2T carob powder
• 2T collagen powder

This helps me when I have an ice cream craving. I won't lie. It ain't ice cream, but it fills you up and helps curb the craving for those of us who live for ice cream! In case you don't know, carob helps you stay compliant when you can't have chocolate. Again, it ain't chocolate (but it's close).

Another favorite smoothie...

• 1/2 banana
• 1/2 fresh avocado
• 1 C water
• handful of kale or spinach (I prefer fresh, but you can buy it frozen and use that.)
• frozen fruit (I like strawberry and mango, or just mango and more mango :o))

The first time I tried this, there weren't any good AIP bread-like recipes. Here's one I love. This has made this foray back into AIP MUCH easier! This is a super-easy recipe. You can double or triple it without changing the integrity of the recipe and you can freeze them.

•  1C cassava flour
•  1/4 C coconut milk
• 1/4 C olive oil
• 1/4 cup water

Mix with a fork and then knead lightly with a hand covered with a plastic baggie. Most GF bread recipes are really sticky, but this one isn't so bad. You can pat them out onto parchment paper in 4-5" diameter rounds and pop them into a cast iron skillet (or whatever you have on hand) with some olive oil. It makes about eight tortillas.

Thankfully for you, the grocery stores are getting smart. You can get fresh or frozen riced cauliflower, butternut squash cubes and zootles (zucchini noodles) in most stores now. These go a long way to cut your prep time in the kitchen.

Another thing that has helped me a lot... I quit making bone broth. I buy this instead. In the winter I have a cup of this with 1/8 tsp powdered ginger and 1/4 tsp powdered turmeric for breakfast. I also typically eat an apple or sauteed greens with it. Then I let myself have a cup of black tea with about a 1/2 tsp of honey stirred in as my treat for choking down bone broth out of a mug. Seriously though, I got used to it quickly and actually started to crave it in the mornings. Last winter, even with a compromised immune system, I did not get sick.

In lieu of organ meats (if you just can't seem to stomach them like me), you can take dessicated liver in pill form.  When I first started taking these, I noticed a marked upswing in energy. I still have low points, but I only take one a day unless I'm really struggling. Then I take two. I think the daily dose is up to four capsules per day but I've never taken that many.

That's it for now. I'm heading back to the kitchen to prepare for another week on AIP. Please, please, please let me know if I can help or listen or pray for you... or bring you an AIP meal!  I don't want to wear anyone out talking about this, but as much as it is an intrusion on my life and one more thing to do, AIP is so helpful. I typically start feeling better somewhere inside day three on the diet. Somewhere in day 4-5 or 5-6, my body starts telling me, "Hey! Where's the sugar? Where's the caffeine?" and I experience a slump (And I become a big grump.). But that's short-lived, and I promise, things start looking up. It's really awesome if your hubby decides to do it with you! Jason stopped at Costco for me yesterday (of his own volition!) and sent a text asking what I needed. He's feeling better too! You don't have to have an auto-immune condition to try it.

A Silver Lining

I saw my doctor this week. My body has begun doing rotten, weird, mean things to me again... and just at the very moment I'd started stepping out and joining in, and facing some long-held fears, insecurities and anxieties. I won't go into particulars here, but I have been ordered by my doctor to get back on strict AIP (Auto-Immune Protocol) for the foreseeable future. If you don't know what that is, it is an extremely restrictive diet and lifestyle overhaul.

This is the very first time I've actually had a doctor tell me to go on a diet. I've put myself on AIP multiple times to try and stave off pharmaceuticals, and for the most part, it's worked well for me. The first time, I lasted about 18 months. The last time I tried it, it took a scant six weeks to burn out. However, the whole reason we hired this doc. was because we knew he would try to get to the root issues. We wanted someone that wouldn't automatically reach for the prescription pad and put me on something that might help one issue, but cause more problems somewhere else.

So here's the deal. I hate the grocery store and I hate to cook. There are SO many things I'd much rather be doing. I like to sit down somewhere, have a meal brought out to me, and let someone else do the dishes (and the shopping). My creativity ends when I step over the threshold into a kitchen. I mean, one of my all-time favorite things is just whipping through CFA for a large order of waffle fries and a Dr. Pepper. Dr. Pepper is amazing all on its own, but pour it over that amazing ice they have at CFA... and then the whole postlude of eating the DP-flavored ice is just soooo... okay... oops...sorry. 

I digress. 

Unfortunately, it is extremely difficult to stay true to AIP and eat out. I sat at our kitchen table a couple nights ago and just stared at the depression-inducing pages full of "foods to avoid". Then I got up and made myself some AIP tortillas. The depression started to subside at about the fifth tortilla. Any bread-like substance has the potential to make me happy, and those AIP tortillas are surprisingly good... especially with honey slathered all over them. That wasn't really on the diet though. 

So, while trying to "count it all joy" and praying for a silver lining (while munching tortillas... a kind of a silver lining all in themselves), this is what was laid on my heart. Maybe there's someone out there that needs to do this too, but just can't get beyond that very long "foods to avoid" list.

Can I offer support to someone in the same boat, but trying this out for the very first time? If yes... let me know! I would love to help. Here are some thoughts to consider...


I've never really had a huge weight problem, although, from my late 30s on, my weight has definitely begun to fluctuate. I can tell you that, over the last five or six years, it has become obvious to me when my body is fighting me because I get to a place where I can't wear most of my clothing, especially for my lower half. This isn't a scientific explanation by any means, but inflammation tends to trap fluid in your body, and that translates to weight gain. When the inflammation begins to decrease, a body stands to lose weight and clothing sizes rapidly. I managed to lose around 28 pounds in six weeks a few years ago on AIP, and I didn't have time to exercise much at all aside from walking the neighborhood with my kiddos.

The food you can eat is really good, it's just time-consuming to prepare. Your kids and husband will love most of it, and have no idea that they're eating really healthy food. I spent all morning limping through Wal-Mart, Aldi, Shop and Save and Natural Mercantile, and I've spent most of the afternoon roasting four pans of vegetables, making two kinds of soup, washing salad greens, cutting carrot sticks and making (You guessed it!) AIP tortillas. The good news is, all I will have to do during the week is pull soup from the freezer, or throw some meat on the grill. And I promise you won't have to do that every weekend.

I don't go to Whole Foods, Wegman's or Trader Joe's. Wegman's just overwhelms me (Don't get me started on Costco.). I love Whole Foods and Trader Joe's, but unless I absolutely have to, I don't travel east of Leesburg in this area, and frankly, we just don't have the kind of money you have to blow at those locations. It is absolutely amazing what you can find at Aldi and Wal Mart. Jason often stops at Co Co's International Food Market on his way home from work if I need something that I can't find around here (Japanese Sweet Potatoes!). And Co Co's is inexpensive too. While we're not always getting pastured meat, we're all still eating WAY better doing this.  If you're not overwhelmed by Wegman's or Costco, all the better!

Side note: You don't have to eat liver. I tried it the last go 'round. Unless you just like the stuff, don't even put yourself through that. WARNING: There are multiple recipes where they include liver and try to "hide" it by combining it with other meat. I guess I've just got really good taste buds or something because that taste just can't be hidden! You're dealing with enough already! There's a shortcut for that too.

Please let me know if I can help you. It actually does something for both of us. It makes me accountable and keeps me on the ball, and it helps you feel better and avoid many of the pitfalls you'd experience trying to go it alone like I did in the beginning. 

Here are a few resources I use if you're interested...

The Autoimmune Wellness Handbook  - The first half of this book delves into lifestyle changes for folks who have, or suspect they may be struggling with autoimmune disease or inflammation.

The Autoimmune Paleo Cookbook -  This was the first book I bought after diagnosis years ago, and it's still the first book I pick up when I realize I have to make a change to feel better. It is simple, helpful and full of great lists and recipes. The only issue I have with this book is that practically everything contains coconut in some shape or form. While many people with AI issues can tolerate coconut very well, some of us can only handle a little. There are lots of ways to get around it now that avocado oil is so readily available. I could hardly believe my eyes, but yesterday, I found it at Aldi!

Simple French Paleo - Beautiful. Sophie put so much effort into this book... right down to the gorgeous font... I start to feel better just thumbing through it. The photographs are stunning and the food is fantastic. Prior to the book's publication, I spent a lot of time on her blog, A Squirrel in the Kitchen. The blog is well-organized and very helpful.
  

A Heart's Tenebrae

It wasn't until I was a young woman that I first heard the word tenebrae. I was exposed to its meaning during a very purposeful time of worship in a Cumberland Presbyterian Church in Burleson, Texas where I later became a member.  Within the service, typically performed on Good Friday of Holy Week, the stories culminating in Christ's passion are read, and the candles, the only light available during the service, are slowly extinguished. At the final phrase of the passion story, when God turns His back on His Son and Christ breaths His last, the sanctuary is engulfed in total darkness.

Tenebrae is Latin for "shadows".

For more than a few weeks, the shadows have been encroaching. My heart has been slowly synthesizing an unnamed brand of bitterness that feels inescapable. As I gaze out our back bay window at the little copse of hardwoods that designate the western boundary of our property, a genuine fear that the buds will never open builds until the burning tears come. Despite the fact that, for six weeks, I've been asking my children to narrate to me the marvelous story of our earth's axis, pointing faithfully to the pole star, the earth eternally circling its sun and ushering in each season in its time, the promise of spring seems years distant. I'm trapped again in the pitch-black prison of a recurring nightmare, desperately feeling my way to the exit, suffocating on the darkness... nauseated with pain.

I've raged. I've meditated. I've read the books. I've seen the therapists. I've overshared. I've hiked the wild places. I've run until all my energy was gone. I've listened to all the beautiful music. I've sat for hours in darkness as haunting melodies escaped through my fingers. I've binged. I've prayed until my knees ached. I've attended Bible studies and completed all the Bible study homework. I've filled journal after journal with words upon words that never heal. The same soul-wrenching pain returns as surely as the sun sets every evening. Certain besetting sins are conquered only to be replaced by new sins of varieties whose existence I never realized. They invade my heart and escape through my mouth. The shadows lengthen. A heart grows desperate as the light rapidly fades.

But in the darkness, I hear the sound of the lone singer. "Were you there when they crucified my Lord? Were you there when they crucified my Lord? Oh, oh, oooh, oh, sometimes, it causes me to tremble, tremble, tremble. Were you there when they crucified my Lord?"

Somewhere the spark of a match blazes through the darkness. 

The spark ignites a candle.

I can see the way out.

The pain cannot be handed forward. It cannot be lobbed backwards. That formula doesn't work. The equation is incomplete. Transferred pain, in human terms, will never equal peace. It works out to broken relationships, addiction, divorce, bitterness, separation, hopelessness, death.

Yet one Death created an eternal receptacle for all of human suffering. He refused the myrrh and the wine so that He could feel every tear of the whip, every splinter of the tree, every thorn in His brow, every blow of the hammer, every remaining heartbeat without the acceptance of a beloved Father.

He endured it all for me.

He endured it all for you.

He hung... torn... broken... in the shadows... as the Father turned His face away. 

Tenebrae. 

The key changes. Major thirds dominate a variation on the old song that suddenly sounds surprisingly new. In triumph the singer releases a joyous melody that electrifies and transforms grieving hearts all over a shadow-filled sanctuary.

"Were you there, when He rose up from the grave? Were you there, when He rose up from the grave? Oh, oh, oooh, oh, sometimes it causes me to tremble, tremble, tremble. Were you there when He rose up from the grave?"

"Oh Lord, keep my eyes trained on the Pole Star that I may encounter each season of the heart in the Grace that only You can provide. When darkness seems overwhelming, let me continue on the path You've marked out for me, never turning from that pre-determined orbit that sustains me. On this Good Friday, I ask the same for fellow travelers along The Way. Remind us of the light that awaits in Your Eternal Spring. Thank you for giving your life for us... for insisting on feeling every excruciating moment of pain so that we could be reconciled to the Father through You. I love You. Amen."  

Relaxing into the New Year

In the past I thought it would be a good idea to do a post on our life as a home school family. Then I'd start feeling insecure about our life as a home school family... so I'd put off writing about it. I'm kind of glad I waited on that, because even though it would have been one of those painfully honest and transparent posts, it also might have done a good deal to frighten most people out of considering the lifestyle.

Anyway -- here it is for better or worse. It's 16 degrees outside at 3:30 in the afternoon.  The kids are vegged out in front of the TV learning something sorta somewhat scientific from Ms. Frizzle and trying to stay warm by the wood stove. I could be reading some dynamic work of children's fiction aloud to them right now, letting Jonathan beat me at chess, or pretending to be a white Calico Critter bunny with Melanie, but I choose to write on this frigid day. And that's the beauty of home school.

***

I preface this with the admission that we have two kids.We are not fertile. We have discussed adopting more kiddos, but we just haven't felt the Providential "go-ahead" on that one, so we still have two kids. This thing has got to be WAY more challenging for families with more than TWO kids. In fact, I'm not sure I'd be home schooling if I had more than TWO kids. So take this for what it is... information on how to be sort of, somewhat successful at home educating TWO KIDS. {smile}

I LOVE teaching our kids. I LOVE that I get to teach it all... even math! I am a Jackie-of-all-trades, master-of-none, and I'm having an absolute ball!

Now, ask the kids what they think? Ha!

Frontier Culture Museum - Staunton, VA

Seriously though, I think we're all having a great time, especially now that I'm learning to relax. Back when I was trying to do it all, and fill every moment of every day with something educational, I had a twitch and some tics and maybe a touch of IBS. IF we took a field trip, which wasn't often, I had to somehow reclaim that "lost" day. Actually I'm still kind of struggling with that, even though, as a former public school teacher, I remember how many days we lost to lock downs, chaos in the halls, locker combination problems, stink bombs, three and a half seconds of freezing rain overnight (in S. Texas), etc... I was taking 3-4 hours to teach pre-school and kindergarten every morning for five mornings a week. I can't believe I just typed that statement.

So now, for some reason, I'm getting up at 5 am like an old person (which, I, most decidedly, am not). Jonathan hears me up and about and is right on my heels. He has learned to let Mama have a quiet time... mostly. No, I don't insist that he go back to bed. Jonathan really needs to be with people. I really need to be alone. However, I am his Mama, and, as his Mama, I want try to put his needs before my own while helping him learn that others also have needs. So, we have an understanding. If he will refrain from speaking until the caffeine has taken full effect, we're good.

I digress.

We're starting school by seven or seven-thirty and we're done, most days, by ten-thirty. And that leaves the rest of the day! Yes, we typically have to finish up some read-alouds at the lunch table. Yes, we do some assigned reading at bed time with books from which I'm really supposed to be expecting detailed narrations. However, I'm just not so sure I agree that a reading of the Merry Adventures of Robin Hood should require a formal narration! Again... the beauties of home education. I get to make that call.

sibling sweetness - creekside at Massanutten

We just finished our first week back after a six-week break, and I just finished tweaking my school schedule for the upcoming week. BJUP (Bob Jones) Bible Truths has been banished from the schedule. I started to pick it up this week and just couldn't.  I replaced it with Hero Tales by Dave and Neta Jackson. Not to slam BJUP, but it was just getting old and boring. I'd ask a question and Mel would just repeat, "Jesus!" "God!" "Pray!" "Read the Bible!", hoping one of those answers would fit the slightly detached discussion questions at the end. Jonathan was just getting more and more resistant to Bible time in general. After our fun/deep Advent devotional and the fantastic/exciting sequel to Jotham's Journey (Bartholomew's Passage - Arnold Ytreeide), I couldn't return to BJUP Bible Truths. Maybe someday. We will memorize the general outline of two parables and the larger truths behind those this six weeks along with our AWANA memorization.

making winter homes for mason bees from fallen sunflower stalks, wood planks and tomato cans

Back in the summer when we started this school year, I began using morning time to get some of our group lessons done. We complete some subjects every day (Bible, Hymn, Folk Song, Poetry, Geography) and then we rotate through some others (Latin- 3x a week, Art Lesson, Artist Study, Composer Study/Music Appreciation, Solfege, Ear Training, Mental Math, Read-Alouds, Timeline, etc...). Whoa! What an impact that had. It takes 45 minutes to an hour to enjoy, and during part of that time we're doing double duty eating breakfast. In the past I'd try to incorporate all of that at the end, and often we wouldn't get to those extra, yet essential (essential to me) activities.

We have the privilege of attending a science class on Tuesdays (Home School Hub at the Freedom Center in Lucketts, VA) followed by a phenomenal P.E. class and then an enrichment class that covers topics in the Little House books. Since we've been reading those together in our evening family read-alouds, it's been a huge blessing, especially for my extreme extrovert who needs lots of time bouncing ideas off other kids and adults. And since we don't have to be there until 11:10, we have time to knock out a slightly abbreviated school session in the morning.

The exciting thing is, we've added some things to the schedule this year, but we've also removed the superfluous stuff and I'm finding more time. And time is a precious commodity! We added Sarah MacKenzie's Read-Aloud Revival 31-Day Challenge to our January, and we're still finishing our school schedule more quickly than in years past. I actually tried to implement the RAR Challenge last January and fizzled by day ten. We'll see how it goes this year. I am definitely more prepared and less stressed about it this year. We've added handicrafts, lots more read-alouds, math facts memorization, Mama-led piano lessons and practice each day, geography and book basket stations for times when Mama needs to spend one-on-one time with a kiddo and still we're finishing more quickly with more info. in our heads.

Luray Caverns

One of my favorite tweaks has been the simple practice of having everything laid out in the evening before bed. My kiddos can sometimes jump in on independent work (math warm ups, copy work and handwriting) while they're waiting for Mama to finish quiet time.  I may make that concept transfer to the breakfast table and have all our dishes laid out for breakfast too just to see if anyone will take the bull by the horns and get their own breakfast together!

On a side note, I'm almost finished reading a book called Different by Sally Clarkson and her son, Nathan. It's been a bit hard to put down, and it's really helped me feel less alone in my child-rearing endeavor. What I love about Sally Clarkson is her transparency. She doesn't let it all hang out, but she does expose enough to help a mama feel known, understood and loved by her Heavenly Father. 

While I feel like we've hit our stride here, I'd love to hear ideas from others on how to get this home school thing to happen on auto-pilot. I guess it's doubtful that will ever happen, but a gal can dream. I know, without a doubt, that we've got some serious room for improvement over here. For instance, here's a question: I really want to continue with some short Latin lessons and I have a book with short/easy lessons to segue into when we're done with our second run through Song School Latin, but I really want to do some modern foreign language study... preferably independent study. Has anyone used Rosetta Stone Spanish and had your kiddos keep a log of lessons completed each day? If so, how did that work out?  Any other suggestions?

Happy New Year to all and blessings on your home school endeavors!

Happy Birthday and Merry Christmas!

Sweet Jonathan, 

I never managed to get a post written for your birthday, and that fact has been nagging at me for over six months! Not to make excuses, but life is certainly busy, and MUCH more interesting with you in it! The partial reason that I have not written down my feelings and observations surrounding this season in your life is that I struggle to understand them. The only way for your mama to truly get to the heart of anything is to find a quiet place to think with a journal in my lap and a pen in my hand. That's a difficult thing to do with you in our home. And as much as I crave a few quiet moments to myself, I crave time spent with you all the more, precious boy.

You, however, live out loud! You are constantly bouncing ideas and thoughts off anyone who will listen. You enter a room and within five minutes you've made six new friends.  I stand in awe as I watch you work a crowd. It's spellbinding and wonderful and frightening all at the same time.

See, Buddy, you stretch me in so many ways. Your mama had hit the wall on her natural ability to socialize by the time church ended yesterday. After lunch mama was fully in "Philippians 4:13 mode" (I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.). You refused to go down for choir practice because you had no desire to stand in front of the church and sing in the Christmas Eve service, but you were devastated when I told you that our family would not be caroling with the church in the surrounding neighborhoods that night. How could I deny a kiddo that would rather take the Gospel beyond the walls of our church? So off we went...you and me... and Philippians 4:13.

Mama read an interesting book review recently. The title went something like Introverts in the Church, and the review started with something like, "Introverts are often marginalized in church social circles." I had to laugh out loud as soon as that phrase fell under my eyes. Introverts marginalize themselves! No one has to do it for us! Hysterical. I'm anxious for you to grow up, read this and know it for the joke that it is. But I'm also anxious for you to stay the little boy that gets up at 5:30 am to snuggle into my lap while I'm trying to find quiet time to read and write in my journal.  I want you to remain the boy that lingers over a trail eyeing and touching every bug, bird nest, leaf, flower and rock within your gaze... the golden-headed whirlwind with few inhibitions chasing the birds in the yard and playing freeze-tag with friends.  

I love that you are you. I love that you do not take after your timid mama. I love that you force me beyond the comfortable place where I lounge and languish spiritually. You have inherited some irresistible force, a gift from your Father in heaven, and I want you to have as many opportunities as possible to think out loud and be with people as possible. At age seven, there's still a lot to be fine-tuned. I can say the same about myself at forty-three. But I'm praying the Lord will take all these passions and pursuits... all these loves... and turn them toward Himself.  No matter how we feel about it, no matter how introverted or extroverted our natural man has the tendency to be, the command is to "Go!" (Mark 16:15, Matthew 10:7, Luke 9:2, Luke 9:60, Acts 5:20). Oh for grace to raise you up into Him, to continue to allow Him to expand in me, and to let you follow that command when the time comes. Please grant it Lord. 

Intercession

"For we are God’s masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things he planned for us long ago."~Ephesians 2:10

The Lord uses even the most stubborn saints for His glory. His mercy comes like the leading edge of a storm at times, and at others, as imperceptibly as the flutter of a hummingbird's wings. But when He's asked by one frail believer for help and wisdom, an answer is never far behind. Of this truth, I no longer have any doubt.

When I was faced, several years ago, with the frightening reality that auto-immune disease had come to stay, I began exploring the idea that this cluster of diagnoses, at least for me, might have a spiritual malady at its root. As I've struggled through the release of this burden to the Lord, His Spirit has been tenderly guiding me to some answers, and some relief.

I'm finding healing in this place, and I desperately want others to find it too. It's too hard to try to go it alone. I won't lie. I don't understand this. I'm afraid to share these things. I'm afraid of appearing ridiculous. But I'm also afraid that if I'm not transparent here, someone else may find themselves limping along the trail, lost, alone, possibly injured and too afraid to ask for directions.

There is a growing body of research that suggests that certain MBTI combinations (If you are not familiar with this acronym, it stands for Meyers-Briggs Type Indicator) are more susceptible to disease of the auto-immune variety. I have always tested out with the same result, whether on the long form (once as a requirement for a job and once for grad. school), or when completing the fun online personality test. However, please don't get too attached to the results if you decide to take it on your own. While they've been a help, they've also been a hindrance to me. I believe my slowness to hear God's voice in the matters below has at least a little bit to do with the significance I've attached to my "type".  Nothing should replace the leading of the Holy Spirit in our lives.

So at the risk of ridicule, here are some questions that I hope will help diagnose some sources of unnecessary anxiety for someone out there, and help you turn your temperament into something God can use for His glory.

1. Do you feel overwhelmed in large groups because you tend to "soak up" all the feelings and attitudes of others in the room?
2. As far back as you can remember, have you had some inkling of this character trait? For example, did you find yourself, as a child, fleeing oppressive environments where adults were overly critical of others or spent a lot of time arguing?
3. Do you have an uncanny realization that you are in the presence of someone that is very sad, very conflicted or very angry in a large room full of people?
4. Do you feel the loneliness of the new kid or the mama that doesn't quite fit with a clique? Do you position yourself near those people?
5. Can you intuit very quickly when you've unintentionally made a judgment error by the slight turn of countenance, no matter how guarded, of a co-worker or friend?
6. Do large-group scenarios exhaust you and, do you, quite often, spend at least a week emotionally and physically recovering from extensive seasons spent in those scenarios?
7. Are you unable to watch or read the news and still sleep peacefully at night?
8. Good or bad, do people seem to be able to tell you whatever is on their hearts?
9. Do you apologize for incidents that are not your fault simply to bring resolution and ease the tension you feel in the relationship? 

I'll never forget the poor elderly man I'd never met in a WalMart auto service department who laid out his entire sad life story to me over the course of an exhausting two hours. I was a single twenty-something with walking pneumonia, barely able to keep my eyes open as I listened. I just wanted to lean my head against the wall and close my eyes. I'd spent the day teaching anyway because it felt harder to prep for a sub than to just show up at work. The car had to be fixed so that I could get myself to a pharmacy and then get in bed so I could attempt to go to work the next day. I was the only teacher for the subject I taught at that time, so there was no one to help the sub along, no workbooks or worksheets to utilize and no textbooks. When I did employ a sub, I had to leave lots of detailed notes and unusual activities. There's no way that I could possibly have been exuding a warmth that said, "Please tell me every gory detail of your life so that I can lie awake all night worrying about whether or not you were able to (insert your own creative ending here)______________". This is just one example of a very common occurrence in the life of an empath. But that man was lifted up in prayer on the rainy drive home. And that is the material point.

One day recently, when I was clinging to the end of my emotional rope and rapidly stiffening joints were beginning to throb, I cried out in silent desperation to the Lord, "Please God! Raise a hedge around me!" I'd heartily agreed to serve Him in some capacity, and I really didn't want to be sick before the end of it and forced to lay in bed (again), all the while, unable to rest because of the guilt surrounding the fact that someone else was now completing their tasks and mine. I asked Him, in Jesus' name, to remove the spirits of oppression (a literal onslaught of them) that I was feeling in the room. Then I asked Him to separate for me the feelings that were mine from those I'd absorbed from others.

I know now that those frantic requests were exactly what brought His *"deep magic" into play in that room that day. I immediately felt His leading to pray for the owners of the feelings that were not my own, and by the end of the day, at least one person was shedding tears of great relief (me). The oppression was gone. I was limber as a twig in spring. My head was clear. Healing happened at the Throne of Grace. A figurative light bulb finally popped on for this developmentally-delayed Christian.

If you can relate to most of this, you have the gift of intercession, my friend! This has absolutely nothing to do with you or me. We are redeemed to use our minds and bodies for His kingdom and glory. What an enormous blessing to offer that gift back to an indomitable, precious, merciful God with an unfathomable imagination that covers every contingency we can think up or worry our little heads over. The fact that He gave you a heart that hurts for, feels for and notices the pain of others is not a curse but a privilege. In Galatians 6 we are told to

"Carry each other's burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ." 

All that is required is this. See the pain. Love the people. Then offer them right back to Him. He is the only One equipped to carry it.

"Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."   ~Matthew 11:29-30

I won't pretend that I won't find myself drowning in the Bay of Emotions again over there in the Sea of Too-Easily-Offended because I've forgotten to swim back up to the safety of the buoy of prayer. I might still, in my own strength, attempt to don the superhero cape in an effort to rescue those I sense hurting. In those moments I'll have every reason to praise God for the aching joints, the rising bile, the skin lesions and the debilitating headaches, all very poignant reminders that I can't. But I can call upon the One who can.

"The Eternal God is your Refuge, and underneath are the Everlasting Arms." ~Deuteronomy 33:27

*C.S. Lewis The Chronicles of Narnia

A Little Volunteer

One of my favorite things about a garden in spring is the surprise of "volunteers".  They rise up in the walkways and spill out of compost bins. The offspring of last year's flowers lie waiting under the pine straw, leaf mold, and snow for the sunlight to warm them and draw them out and up into life. I delight in carefully extracting every threadlike sinew of the delicate roots systems, praying that a little soil will remain attached in the process, and that the new hole for those roots will be moist and deep enough to gently encourage them to reach and spread. Because volunteers, in case you didn't know, become the hardiest, most glorious plants in the garden. In their seemingly accidental existence, volunteers, without fail, will bear the sweetest, most beautiful fruit.

You're our little volunteer, Miss Melanie. Like the zinnias and cosmos I find choking in the mulch, you're provided just a little sunny, fertile spot in the garden box and you flourish. Storms tear at tender tendrils and knock you to the ground. A trip to the ER morphs into an eleven-day stay, and you're left with a four-inch scar in an abdomen only a few inches longer; a scar to add to the many others seen and unseen.  Yet you reach and grow. Your stems remain strong and intact. You find yourself again, dealing with misunderstanding and anxiety. You encounter fears your mind has long forgotten, but your body remembers all too well. Still you glow like none other and respond, each morning, to the Light; presenting a new bud; a brilliant blossom unfurling; your surprise gift to a world that purposed to cover you and hold you, deep down in darkness.

We will never get over the miracle of you, Melanie Anne. You and your brother were in our hearts on long walks through the waving sideoats and sprawling live oaks on late summer evenings--evenings when hope seemed as far away as Venus hanging on the horizon, blurred by a wash of tears. And more of that miracle just keeps on emerging as we rise with you, a family of adopted children slowly growing into the heart of our Father.

This has been more than hard. It's been a bit like fumbling around in the dark; a whole lot like lying dead under the leaf mold, pine straw and snow. But the sun is radiant. The rain and soil nourish. The tinglings of life are warming us through. And I feel certain that, in just a little while, we will stand together, rooted deeply, fully family and fully His.

Happy birthday, my love. You will never cease to amaze us! You and your brother are beyond "anything we could have asked for or imagined", and we are so thankful.

You're Gonna Be the Life of Me

A couple months ago we were really going through it with Jonathan. Every morning was a fit and anger and feelings of hopelessness upon hopelessness. Over and over in my head I kept saying to myself, "Boy, you're gonna be the death of me. You're really gonna be the death of me." But one day, running down the stairs after another altercation, I found myself in my own "time out" in the living room, angrily pacing and praying and crying. And then I felt it. In the tenderest whisper it came... "Jackie Dee. Baby. That little boy and that little girl... they're gonna be the LIFE of you. They ARE the LIFE of you."

I will likely never have the opportunity to honestly proclaim that God has spoken out loud to me. However, I do believe, in that moment, His Spirit was directing mine. Never would that thought have come to me without Divine intervention.

I have known for a long time that Jonathan is pure leader. This boy is all energy and all over everything. He doesn't want anyone's direction. He already knows the best way to do it. And of course he doesn't (Although sometimes he does!), but he doesn't lack any confidence in his victory or his error. Right now, he's immature enough to let that tendency direct his every move, even if it's over the backs of everyone around him. I do believe I've told this boy to leave the yellow jackets, wasps and hornets alone about thirty million times. He got stung by a yellow jacket this week. Now he leaves them alone. 

This strikes fear in my heart. Will he, forever and always, have to learn everything the hard way? Will he ever develop an ear for my voice and a heart of submission and honor for his mother?

He has concern for others. He wants to pray for Syrians and Kurds and Iranians. He wants to give his piggy bank money to the guy with the sign by Wal Mart. But he doesn't want to let a friend get in front of him in line. He's the leader for heaven's sake! Why doesn't the world get that? And if he knows for sure that the month of October has 31 days, why in the world should he wait to fill in that whole calendar if he gets the notion to do it on October 1st?  Why can't he complete his entire math workbook in one sitting?

And his sister is so eager to follow this dynamic, yet extremely immature leader to the precipice of doom.

All I can do is commit this boy and his little sister to God's providence almost every moment of every day. And wow. This boy has my heart. His sister has my heart. These kids are AMAZING and infuriating.

And I'm not the only one giving it all here to give life and experience and education and grace. They may never know it, but they are the life blood in this 42 year old who never seems to reach a place where she feels much more than an inexperienced girl. They are God's gift to a weary and wounded soul. They exhaust me and petrify me and overjoy me and purify me and try me until I have nothing left. And yet more is required. They are a gift too wondrous to be defined.

I was studying a Botticelli the other day to present to our co-op while listening to a beautiful soprano voice sing Gregorian Chant through my phone. Moments later I found myself covered in goose-flesh... tears springing to my eyes. The painting, "The Mystic Nativity", was created in response to loss. Botticelli's friend, Dominican friar Girolamo Savonarola, had been martyred in Florence. Illustrating both the first and second comings of Christ, it is as genius as it is beautiful. And it came to us as the direct result of deep grief searching out Divine Hope.

Many of the Psalms of David are examples of this wrestling within the human spirit, this need to make sense of evil within and without. We are a broken image. We have no power to create on the scale of our Maker. But somewhere He meets us as we journal or draw or paint or improvise at a piano or guitar. He intimately understands our need to bring order out of chaos, good out of evil, harmony out of cacophony. He comes near to lend us aid as we seek. And art remains.

And the product, centuries later, are the Psalms and "The Mystic Nativity". We have Beethoven's 9th Symphony... a deaf genius bringing to our ears one of the most beautiful hymns the world has ever known. 

"Joyful, joyful we adore Thee, God of glory Lord of love. Hearts unfold like flowers before Thee, opening to the sun above. Melt the clouds of sin and sadness. Drive the dark of doubt away. Giver of immortal gladness, fill us with the light of day." 

I look into the faces of my son and daughter and I see God's marvelous handiwork. Counter-intuitively, as I pour life into them, they become the life in me. In all their complexity, there exists the raw material for a great work that will not reach completion this side of Eternity. 

And oh the art they will leave behind...

Another offering on the other blog. I'm hoping to have this one updated soon with all the family goings on.

"Writer's Block"

"Now We Are Six"

By the time Independence Day is done, well, we're all pretty much done around here. Three big birthdays, three days of camp, a wonderful visit with family and Father's Day within the space of about three weeks is quite an undertaking. But it sure is fun!

The weekend before Jonathan's birthday, we had Bop and Giggie here. We were all VERY happy that they were able to make the trip up, but the kids were ecstatic! It was like Christmas morning every day that they were able to wake with the knowledge that Giggie and Bop had spent the night just one floor below them in the very same house. 

Moving around like we have has brought us "family" everywhere we've lived. But when you first arrive somewhere and all the way to the second or third year, you can't help but feel a little lost so far away from the people who know you best and love you anyway. It's hard to put into words how good it was to have family with us for a few days. It was the shot in the arm we didn't know we needed. It's a wonderful thing to watch your kiddos enjoy your parents and your parents enjoy your kiddos.

Opening gifts with Giggie

Giggie's birthday falls on June 6th and Jonathan's on June 14th (Flag Day), so we had a combined celebration. However, Jonathan came out a little ahead in the gift department. Sorry Giggie! Melanie received gifts as well to celebrate her birthday back in May.

Giggie and Bop left on Sunday afternoon. We were all a little low the rest of the day, but didn't have time to stay in the doldrums for long. It was time to get ready for Jonathan's big day.

 

Birthday presents!

After presents and Giant doughnuts with bacon, we all set out for Harper's Ferry, WV. Jonathan loves nothing more than about two feet of water, a rocky or sandy shore and lots of bugs, fish, snakes and crayfish. We didn't even go into town except to use the facilities. We spent three hours just hunting for wildlife and watching the birds. We took a hike over the train trestle to the Maryland side, and then headed straight back for lunch at the Charles Town Chick-Fil-A.

This is serious business!

Sissy enjoys this stuff almost as much as big brother!

 After Chick-Fil-A and a trip to the dollar store for some birthday money purchases (Both kiddos had money burning holes in their pockets.), we all headed home. Jonathan's birthday dinner request was watermelon on the front porch.

waiting for birthday cake

"Happy Birthday to you! Happy Birthday to you!"

 Jonathan--

Mama and Daddy are so proud of you. Your inquisitive spirit, your humor, and your sense of justice challenge us every day to become better people and, with God's help, better parents. We love you so much and we're so thankful you've been placed with us, on loan from our loving Father. You force us to seek wisdom and you keep us humble. We love how you love creation. We love how you search for beauty and truth and how delighted you become when you encounter something new and wondrous to you. 

Mama and Daddy love you more than you will ever know Sweet One. 

"But trailing clouds of glory do we come
From God who is our home:
Heaven lies about us in our infancy!
Shades of the prison house begin to close
Upon the growing Boy,
But He beholds the light, and whence it flows,
He sees it in his joy;
The Youth, who daily farther from the east
Must travel, still is Nature's Priest,
And by the vision splendid
Is on his way attended..."
 

~William Wordsworth 

from 

"Ode: Intimations of Immortality from Recollections of Early Childhood"